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The following review comes from M (censored) & Me>There’s not an opening ceremony ever that won’t bore me if I’m not watching it live. I swear, this thing probably has the most complicated choreography I’ve ever seen and I have slowly ended up reading about the Redskins. I think I have an “artsy” limit for things on TV. Woulda been sweet to be there, though. I’ve been watching this thing for an hour and I’m already bored to tears despite the amazing display on

• As I’ve been saying ad nauseum to Kevin this whole trip … the Chinese don’t do small. Big big big. Kung fu scene in the opening ceremony? Ok … how about 800 Kung Fu guys? Yes! Guys rolling and unrolling calligraphy scrolls? I’ll have 500, please. Hey, it works. 800 kung fu guys is always a recipe for success with me.
• Now that I’m watching these Games amongst Chinese people in a city that has shut down with everyone watching the pre-Games stuff all day … I really hope these Games work out for the Chinese. Whatever qualms people have with the government of China, I think it’s important to remember that these Games are for a people, too and I have seen the pride around me all day … hell, I’ve seen it all trip. You’ll be walking in Lanzhou, China … three hours by plane from Beijing, and there will be people posing next to Olympic ring shrubbery … they’re nowhere near Beijing, but people are/were so excited that the rings, the mascots, the athletes have been ubiqutious in every way. Driving into Lanzhou, you’re greeted by enormous Olympic rings. Why? I don’t know. But the Chinese are pumped. Majorly, seriously pumped. So, fingers crossed that this all ends a success.
• Why was there a spaceman? Is this one of those, “Next year, we’re up in space, baby!” things? That seemed an odd fit right after all the traditional cultural stuff.
   … oh wait … the space station is now a globe. Huzzah.
• George Bush shot, looking bored during the largest fireworks show on earth. Huzzah. U-S-A-U-S-A. By the way, one hour in, first GB shot, followed closely by Putin, then a bunch of very very senile looking old Chinese men staring at the ground. George Bush is wearing a long sleeve shirt and tie right now … you’d think he could have hired someone to wave a fan in his face or something. He’s probably uncomfortable right now. Lots of fan waving going on in the VIP section. Maybe they don’t like Opening Ceremonies either. I mean, I probably have a better view of what’s going on below than they do.
• 9:09 pm, we get to the athletes … oh yeah … THEM! I done forgot. The whole street around me just had the sound of clinking glasses. I can hear the Olympics coming out of every bar on this street. I am watching on a small TV, though, because I was dumb and waited till 7:30 to come for an 8:00 pm start … turns out the big projector TV rooms were already were full of people. Go figure. I’m watching with a bunch of Chinese people and some poor, excited kids who are splitting watching TV with frantic runs to get more beer and food for the guests.
• Oh, the big walk. That’s a lot of athletes. Guinea is coming in with a team of four. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the population of Guinea isn’t very big.
• Turkey is coming out looking pretty tight in white suits, all waving flags. Tight. I needs to get me one of them suits.
• Whoa … Turkmenistan opted to wear the ugliest suits on earth in contrast. Yeah, guys, your flag is puke green ,but did you need to wear a suit of it too? Couldn’t we just have had a tie or something?
• Holy crap, the Marshall Islands has a team. This is going to take FOREVER.
• Haha … the Caymen Islands is like one athlete and six coaches. Yes. Hey, get to them Games, man, hook or by crook.
• Jamaica — #1 on the list of awesome country colors I could never wear
• Israel is ready for a day on the golf course … or maybe a yachting outing. Either way, they’re the most casual / bougie right now.
• Wow, if Israel is going yachting, Japan is the Captain. Ships ahoy!
• Oh, and a tricky political moment is solved … Taiwan is not allowed to wave its flag.
  Booooooo.
• Some country came out just wearing blue medical scrubs. The guy wit hthe flag is wearing stunna shades. He’s now usurped the yachting israelis as my favorite outfit. No lie.
• Maurituus is ready for the club. Polka dot undershirts with blazer. Nice.
• Norway is being led by a man that MUST be named Thor or Hammerskjold or something equally manly. Everyone else is carrying the flag with two hands … him? It’s a toothpick in one hand. Well played, Thor. Well played.
• PS … the Norwegian girls look hot. I’m just saying.
• oooooh … new fruntrunners in the ugly suit competition. Is that Estonia? Belarus? I don’t know. Neon yellow and electric blue suits with a piano-tie-like-tie. Poor choice, friends, poor choice.
• Uruguay is mad because they’re basically wearing the same suit as the team that just walked by. They’re happy because they chose white pants instead of electric yellow, thus winning the Sartorial War of 2008.
• Love the guys opting for the tie and t-shirt combination. You know those guys don’t wear ties often.
• Barbados opts for the simple track suit. Solid choice. But their symbol appears to be of a jet plane. Perhaps not a good choice.Is it a flying fish? I can’t tell. It’s probably a flying fish.
• Ooooooooo …. Brazilian girls ….. beating Norway …. wait for more close-ups ….. Oooooooh. BRAZIL WINS! The new front runner in the sexist “who has the hottest team” (WHHT) competition. I’m holding out for Kazakhstan, though.
• Brazil’s got a big team. They’ve made Paraguay and their Juan Valdez hats feel all sad and insignificant. But Paraguay has a stunna! Sorry guys, too small team to be entered in the WHHT competition.
• Qatar, Bahrain ?(?) has a flag with a photo of the head of their state (?) … what are the odds the US team does that?
• Ok, Belarus just came out. That crosses them off from the insult about the electric yellow/blue suits. What country was it, then?
• India. Looks good. I like it. Small team. How? Don’t they have a billion people too? Did they not invest in a state sponsored athlete factory system like some other countries we know? Hmmmmm.
• Canada gets a big cheer, has a big team. Go Canada. Everyone’s favorite nice guys, also opting for the track suit thing. Maybe.
• San Marino has a team? Wow. Implausibly it’s bigger than the team from Gabon. Money might play a factor here.
• They keep fading bagpipes in and out. At first I thought it was for Scotland or something, but they still haven’t come by from what I’ve seen. Perhaps steady bagpiping is the traditional entrance or something? I don’t get it.
• Some world leader just stood up to wave to his team but first did the old man massive pant hike move, ripping one side up beneath his huge belly, then another side. Classy moment for him, I’m sure. If I were him, I’d want a do-over on that world-stage-level intro
• Espana has the Chinese fans with the Spanish colors. nice tip of the hat to the home country. Spain also features an 80’s hair band rocker, which is nice for them.
• Wow. Some country opted for a blazer, red shorts and knee high socks. Bold.
• Iraq gets a big cheer.
• ok, the camera guy is officially seeking out hotties. And I don’t disagree with him.
• Oh no. The Hungarian women have Jackson Pollak spatter dresses. Nice. I think they’re supposed to be flowers, but it looks more like they got shot with some buckshot. Poor choice.
• Iceland opts for the board room suits. Compared to the color displays up to now, this definitely is a sedate choice. Boooooooring.
• Andorra borrowed some silver lame suits from P-Diddy, which is nice.
• Oh, bagpipes are back … for Jordan. Hm.
• I like the whole “leader stands up and waves to his country” thing. It’s kind of nice.
• So there is a background chorus line of chinese girls doing synchronized clapping and leg kick movements. They’ve been doing it for over an hour now. Shouldn’t that be an Olympic sport? Could imagine keeping up a wave / leg kick thing for an hour? I think I’d be done.
• No European country has yet participated in the always fun traditional garb outfits. Poor American couldn’t even do it, probably. What would we wear? Continental Congress whigs and jerkins?
• I didn’t know there were this many countries in the world.
• Saudi Arabia came out looking pretty dour. It’s the Olympics guys, have fun. Even their leader stood up in the stands and gave a plaster smile while constantly glancing up at the big screen to see how he looked. I think Saudis are too rich to have any fun at this point.
• Whoa … some Middle Eastern nation just came out with clearly the best looking girl at these Olypmics. Huzzah to them. Double huzzah for having the first dude talking on his cell phone during the opening walk. “Hey, … yeah … Abdul … what are you doing? Oh … having dinner? That’s nice … Me? Oh … nothing … just, you know, walking in the opening ceremony parade representing my country and being seen by the whole world … but … um … I’m sure what you’re doing is cool too. What are ya eating?”
• Aruba? C’mon! Let speed things up. lets just clump all of Oceania together. This is going to take all night.
• Ok, so maybe something cultural is going on, because the middle eastern nations are definitely in the lead for greatest percentage of dour faces in their retinues.
• 5 points for me for working in the word “retinue”
• Uh oh … Latvia’s having flag malfunctions. Someone’s gonna get shot when he gets back to Riga.
• England = big cheer
• Whoa … is that the leader of England? I’ve never seen him. He looks somewhat less dashing than Mr. Blair. And his wife? … well … lets not discuss that. He gets points for being the first world leader to break out binoculars to see his team while waving.
• I’m excited to see who’s carrying the American flag. I hope it’s LeBron. Please let it be LeBron.
• Nice work CCTV. We just had a natural cut from the Romanian team to some South Pacific dancers in body paint and then back to Romania. Nice work.
• I think South American teams are in the lead for the continent that seems to be having the most fun during this walk. They’re all just having a blast.
• Ahhhh, finally the French, coming in looking … well ….. French. Sarkozy’s been bronzing for this. Good work Sarkozy.
• Oooops … nevermind … Kazakhstan, poor show. Double poor show that everyone has a “Miss America” sash that says, “Kazakhstan.”
• Russia gets a big cheer, has a big team. Putin looks bored as all hell right now. He’s not waving. Booooo to world leaders not waving at the appropriate time. On another note, questionable shirt choice for the Russians. looks like a bib at a crab shack. Oh, Putin is now up, belatedly waving. And that gets a big ol’ cheer. I hope for old times’ sake the US follows Russia. Nope. No luck. Syria. Not quite the same.
• USA big cheer. Good stuff. Get up ol’ George. Out-do Putin. We’re wearing our own version of a sailing outfit, which is nice. George brought Laura …. surprising how few of the world leaders seem to be with their significant others. US team is pretty big (surprise!) … Oh, George brought an American flag … good touch W. You did something right. Haha … we’re wearing Kangol golf hats. Yes. The best. I see no basketball players. What the hell. …. Michael Phelps … goofiest great athlete alive? Perhaps. Go shatter some records, Phelps. …. Oh, there are our ballers. Too cool for the Kangol, Dwight? Of course they’re hanging at the back.
• Nice. The team following shopped for their outfits at Tommy Bahamas. Keep it bright and cool fellas. I likes.
• Our first shirtless man. Bold choice, friend. I don’t know what this country is, but the girl on their team was wearing a tooth necklace. So probably not Poland.
• Thailand … also opting for the silver lame suits. Awesomely, the leader of Thailand has a matching silver lame suit. Haha. Good stuff.
• Lesotho … happy to be here. Cone hats. Robes. Good times.
• AHHHHHHHHHHHH …. we’re now at 2.5 hours. Wowza.
• Whoa … the head of Columbia’s wife … well played, sir.
• Not to be outdone, the possibly 70 year old representative of Peru has a botox queen …. still …. loses to Columbia. Sorry, old guy.
• Finally … Estonia. They’ve opted for neon blue, neon green, and neon orange suits. This might be a new contender for worst outfit competition. Eastern Europe … why? Why? But it also begs the question … what country was that? … ok, after a quick Google search, I’m thinking it’s Ukraine that had the worst outfits. And Ukraine wins something! I’m just kidding Ukraine. You already won my heart.
• I wonder if Putin’s annoyed that he’s sitting next to some President for some country whose flag I’ve never seen.
• Annnnnd another random fade-in of the bag pipe music when North Korea came in. North Korea also got a big cheer.
• Whoa … Federer is competing for Switzerland? Holy crap. Game over. Can they do that? I guess if we can bring a starting line-up of Kobe, LeBron, Kidd, Howard & Carmelo, they can bring Federer.
• Italy is popular. And happy to be here. Nice suits. Award for most boisterous Western Euro country. Good for them.
• And now Serbia … seriously …. how many countries did the Balkans split into? C’mon, Eastern Europe. Slow down. We can’t keep up with this.
• Why is French the first language spoken? I don’t get it.
• Germany is led by the Diggler! YES! NOWITZKI! I love it.
• Nice random shot of the Utah Jazzers in the Olympics .. William, Boozer, Kirilenko … Okur’s gotta be here somewhere, right?
• Australia opts for track suits. This doesn’t surprise me. Also has the lead for most athletes talking on cell phones. That is definitely what I would be doing if I was there.
  I’d have a camera on one hand, a video recorder in the other, and a blue tooth headset conference calling everyone I ever knew.
• Hey, biggest cheer = the ending is near. China coming out. Hoots all around me. Go team go. Jia you.Yao Ming leading the show. Hu gets up to wave. Gives the Hu smile. …. Whoa …. Jiang Zemin’s still around. Good for him. … dude, the whole Politburo is here. …. This seriously has to be the biggest team here. … I mean, it’s been said before, but it’s more vivid now. Yao Ming is a big dude. The guys behind him come up to like his waist. … just looked it up … yup, that’s the biggest team: 639 athletes. US comes in at #2 with 596.
• Wow … surprising reaction. Kobe just got huge cheers in the stadium and from the room here. Apparently the girls here think that Kobe is pretty handsome. Which is true. the next shot was Dirk … he got less cheers. But still cheers. Then some poor Australian guy. Epic silence.
• 11:22 pm. I am so done. Only thing left is to see how they light the torch.
• 11:29 … I’m dying … and some Chinese guy is giving a long speech. Yo. Dude. No. No speech. LIght the torch. LIGHT IT. GO!
• 11:32 … now Jacques Rogge is speaking. C”MON! GET ON WITH IT! GO!
• Jacques ….. Rogge ….. is ….. not …… a …… public speaking ……. role ….. model. He ….. takes …… long ….. pauses ….. before saying …… boring things …. blah …. blah blah blah ……. i’m …… going ….. to ……. take my ….. fifteen …… minutes ………… deal with it.
• BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JACQUES ROGGE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
• Hu Jintao …. brief. I likes it. Bringing a big ol’ cheer from the Chinese.
• The three languages on the PA system are (1) french (2) english (3) Chinese. Two thoughts … why is English second and Chinese third and somehow French is first? Also, is French really spoken by more of the world than Spanish? Google could solve this, but I’m lazy and watching people dressed in white carry the Olympic flag.
• Where’s Jet Li and Jackie Chan in all of this? Shouldn’t they be involved somehow? They’re awesome athletes. C’mon.
• The flag has been handed to a bunch of soldiers marching in lock step with exaggerated leg kicks. Bad symbolism. I don’t like it. Boooooooooo to this touch. Lets keep the armies out of it, yeah? We’ve had too much of that in the prelude to this thing. And then the minority kids, all in their traditional garb, singing again. Hm. I’m not sure how I feel about that either.
• Now the flag is up, the minority kids have sung, and now it’s time for the “athlete oath taker” … is that normal? I really should be better at Chinese. I have no idea what she’s talking about. … Oh man, now a judge official oath taker. So much oath taking going on.
• Annnnnnd now dancing girls doing bird motion gestures. That’s it. I’m packing it in at midnight, done or not. Eight minutes to light that torch.
• Hooray the flame! HOORAY! THE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!!!!!
• The Chinese people I am sitting near were turbo pumped about the way the torch is being lit with Li Ning running along a wall as it unscrolls near the top. Pretty awesome screen, I gotta say. Good stuff. Nice lighting. 
• OOOOOOOH …. FIIIIIIIIREWORKS.

And I’m outta here! That’s my most boring blog post EVER! YES! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Back with more videos once I reach Beijing. Tomorrow.